Over the last weeks, I have experienced significant shifts in my life. Life felt complex and at times I felt schizophrenic as I couldn't keep up with my own mood swings and with the fast paced changes in my outer reality. My state would literally change within a heartbeat from euphoric and ecstatic to utterly broken and defeated and bounce back and forth between those two.
The power of the continuous, never ending spinning of the Wheel of Life is undeniably spinning me into a new rhythm. I have witnessed new realities emerging, feeling this deep reorchastration of changes in my inner and outer rhythms and how manifestation is already reflecting these changes.
It is a deeply felt embodied experience which doesn't make any sense to the mind. It is a sense of homecoming, of remembering, a felt experience of belonging to the current of life.
It is a death of the life I used to know. It is an acknowledgement that I have outgrown my carefully crafted safety net and it needs to be let go of. No matter how much time, love and care I have invested. It is time to stand naked in front of truth again. Plunging into uncertainty. You can guess how excited the mind is about this move..
Feeling perfectly in alignment with Friday 13, as this day is a day of celebration for me representing a holy day with a sacred, magical number, representing the unstained power of the great Goddess. So in honor of this auspicious magical field of this day, I have been dancing, flirting and playing with the power of the erotic, the essence of the feminine. For me, the erotic is the field of creative tension that gets unlocked when we truly tap into all unexpressed and suppressed emotions and feelings. To be very clear: I am not talking about the superficial erotic how it is portrayed in porn. I am talking about the inherent erotic that lies in the current of love, in the deep feminine. This erotic offers an infinite well of provocative, replenishing force to anyone who doesn't fear its revelations. This true intimacy and power of the inherent, pure erotic is a measure of the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos and power of our deepest feelings. It is the internal sense of innocent pleasure, deep satisfaction, contentment, ecstasy, that once we have tasted it, we know, we can aspire.
Once experienced this fullness and depth, we cannot require anything less of ourselves anymore.
A wise friend of mine calls this taste an upper limit. How do you know it's an upper limit? Life will throw immediately something strong at you that will try to pull you back down into your old state again as your level of consciousness is not yet familiar with this experience of fullness and depth, with this field of potentiality.
So after riding a wave of magical synchronicities, deep pleasure, contentment, freedom and satisfaction throughout this day - truly just loving life and feeling like the f*ucking queen of the universe, life threw its chaos on me and I got lost for some time in the whirlwinds of the mind. Boy, commitment to reality is truly a hard moment to moment job!
Grateful for my friend who reminded me to not go back into this lower state of consciousness and rather go into the embodied experience of this upper level. So instead of allowing my consciousness to go back into this lower state, I allowed my body to be the mudra of unstained love to reflect the purity of my hearts yearning, the rich yearning of my deepest desire.
Feeling the fire of anger and frustration alongside with the sense of helplessness rising within. Remaining in this field of creative tension. You too know this feeling. You might have experienced it in this one moment before you jump out of the plane for your skydive, when you are about to jump of the cliff for your bungee jump, when you are driving a little to fast on your bike or in your car, when you are going out on your first date with this cute boy or girl,...
This moment is calling for your UNDIVIDED attention.
Allowing my consciousness to be fertilized by the seeds of this new reality. Allowing myself to feel the ecstasy through this rising of the fire. Staying connected to my body.
Hearing the deep roar from within: "I won't spend precious time in life trying to control things which I can't control. Sometimes this means I have to face painful feelings of powerlessness. I welcome them to the best of my abilities and I appreciate new beginnings and the endless possibilities they bring. I attract people who value my worth and respect my boundaries. I invest my energy in things that fulfill me."
The meditation practice I have build up over the past years is paying off. I love to see meditation as embodied awareness, as the body is the key to this present moment experience. The body is always present. The mind rarely is. The body allows me to tap into the innocent pleasure and erotic expression of this present moment.