REAPING THE WHIRLWIND
Life, I'm truly angry and mad at you. I've been between wind and water, doing my best to hold myself accountable to stay above board in a loving and compassionate way and you allowed me to begin seeing the light. You had me dancing on the verge between the sweet taste of joyful, happy, and adventurous experiences and suffering, sorrow and despair. And I know you have been asking me if I am clear about my purpose and am willing to truly surrender into trust. And yes I know I've been out of sync, out of alignment with my astral configuration, allowing myself to build some castles in the sky - again. But come on! Can I truly not have a break for one fucking moment? Just let me walk some steps out of alignment.. You know how tired I am of spinning my wheels and seemingly getting nowhere! It feels like – despite my best efforts – you keep on having other plans. And you have no idea how frustrating this feels! And at times it feels like regardless what I do, you keep on adding insult to the injury, adding fuel to the fire, telling me with this sweet and soft smile that crisis, existential anxiety and depression are necessary catalysts for growth and evolution. I guess I was headed the wrong direction - again - blinded by the intoxicating highs of love's promises.. Thoughts can be so confusing whirlwinds at times. It can be hard to tell if the mind is making something up or if it is true intuition. I guess your way to connect me to the ground of knowing was by razing me down to ground level, making me run full force against a wall. The preciousness of life is revealed through its fleeting, passing nature and voltures are circling everywhere. And I know. I witnessed a true miracle through this experience. And I know miracles don't have to be an extravagant change in circumstances, they are always ready to unfold.. And in this moment, I just want to allow myself to fail and fall. I don't want to be grateful for the grace, I don't want to pep myself up, to rise up triumphantly, to comfort myself. I just want to give up. I just want to give it all up. I just want to stay down. I just want to stay laying low on the ground, flat on my face. I just want to remain shattered, tasting the blood running down my temples. I just want to breathe in the failure. I just want to feel the burning ache of the cuts in the flesh. I just want to feel the brokenness of bones and spirit. I just want to feel the pain of haven given up on you loving me. And I want to loose myself in the deep waters of grief, For being tossed to the wolves, For being kicked out of the garden. I just want my heart to keep on shaking. I just want the open wound to keep on bleeding. And I know grief is a doorway to love, And my heart is yearning for your shelter. From the open wound Flows the medicine for the wound, So I remain on the ground, Not attempting to fix the wound, I just allow for the cut to do its thing. Oh sweet madness of true intimacy, Allowing me to find safety and security in the darkness, taboos, rebirth, sex and transformation.